...or what happens when Rez's brain overflows...
1.25.18 Rezs quick guide to communist theory:
Marx: Give me your stuff, or Ill hate you!
Lenin: See that guy over there? Everything is his fault. Shoot him and take his stuff.
Stalin: Never mind, Ill shoot him myself.
Hitler: Can I play too?
09.17.16 Why no one eats at my house, greasy kid stuff:
If you can still see the food, there's not enough butter.
10.6.15 Does this remind anyone else of a base-unit Replicator??
8.19.15 Why no one eats at my house, does this look freezerburned?
Ice cream sandwich: open-faced. On toast.
2.28.15 Why no one eats at my house, run for your lives!!
Lamb-and-potatoes, cooking in the microwave... smells suspiciously like a gas leak.
12.4.14 Why no one eats at my house, did the power go out again?
Bisquik and pie crust. Uncooked.
11.21.14 The difference between industrial music and electro-body music:
Industrial acts show up wearing a mohawk and a gas mask.
EBM acts perform in a three-piece suit.
(Thanks to And One for this insight.)
04.23.14 Bean counter: the larval form of the CEO.
10.30.13 Why no one eats at my house, did I mention it's winter?
Pancakes. Made with frozen milk.
05.09.11 It's been said that the difference between "junk" and "antique" lies in the quality of the paint job.
But the taxes are lower on "junk".
06.27.09 Why no one eats at my house, pig out!
Bacon grease sandwich.
03.06.09 Why no one eats at my house, do you want crackers with that?
03.05.08 From the Montana Department of Highways webcam page:
Please note: At night, the camera image will appear black and the roadway will not be visible due to a lack of illumination.
Who knew -- when the sun goes down, it gets dark outside!!
07.20.07 Why no one eats at my house, WTF??
Things that go really poorly together: peanut butter and raw beefsteak.
05.25.07 I'm finally playing with a full deck.... Why are all my cards jokers??!
05.09.07 Rez's quick guide to Real Estate terms (with a few contributions from friends and relatives):
"Charming" -- small
"Cozy" -- microscopic
"Spacious" -- you can put a king-sized bed in the bedroom... if that's all you put in there
"Nestled" -- no usable ground
"Rustic" -- dig your own outhouse
"Rustic" v2 -- hillbillies would be ashamed
"Unfinished" -- can't get permits
"Cute" -- can't decide WHAT to call it
"Unique" -- conforms to no known standards
"Sunny" -- unbearably hot during daylight hours
"Morning Sun" -- foggy after 3pm
"View Lot" -- only mountain goats can get to it
"Investment property" -- totally inaccessable, miles from utilities
"Great Potential" -- no way in hell
"Needs TLC" -- fixer-upper
"Fixer-upper" -- tear-down
"Tear-down" -- condemned
04.20.07 Sometimes my fingers will type a homonym without bothering to consult my brain -- "one" and "won" being a common swaperoo here. But now it's gone a step too far -- I just tried to type "one't" instead of "won't"!!
02.03.07 Why no one eats at my house, ufda!!
Mix equal parts flour, powdered instant mashed potatos, and water into a doughy mass. Roll it out thin. Fry in hot skillet until it grows brownish blisters. Call it lefse.
My Norwegian ancestors are doubtless spinning in their collective graves.
The scary part is, it actually tastes like lefse.
08.02.06 Rez's quick guide to the American political parties:
Democrat: Give us all your shovels, so we can dig those po'folks ditches, whether they need 'em or not.
Republican: Here's a shovel. Go dig your own damn ditch.
Libertarian: I ain't diggin' no damn ditch!
Green: You ain't diggin' no damn ditch!
Peace and Freedom: Hey man, spade me up a new patch for my pot.
American Independent: Covet not thy neighbour's shovel, and what is this 'ditch' of which thou speaks?
07.09.06 Why no one
eats drinks at my house, Caribbean
Poor man's daiquiri (serve hot or cold)
2 cups water
1 tbsp instant lemonade mix
1 tsp instant gatorade mix
dash lime concentrate
capful light rum
The bottle cap, not your headgear, you shameless sot!!
05.28.06 From a dentistry advertisement, said by a kid in a Tinkerbelle costume: "Even fairies need braces!"
For what... their limp wrists?
05.22.06 Sign on back of truck owned by the California Department of Transportation: CALTROPS.
Does anyone else (other than tire dealerships) find that just a wee bit disturbing??
05.21.06 Why no one eats at my house, cock-a-doodle-doo:
Omelet -- with cheese, dehydrated onions, canned mushrooms, and frozen peas. Made in the microwave.
07.18.05 We're overrun with brown wasps. They're harmless (unless you happen to sit on one), but they come indoors in droves, and get into everything, including your underwear. So I bought a bug zapper. Am I the only person on earth with a bug zapper in their living room?
11.04.04 Why no one eats at my house, growth futures:
Yesterday I made a yummy sandwich with smoked gouda cheese and fresh alfalfa sprouts. I used about a quarter of a container worth of sprouts.
By today the sprouts have grown enough that the container is full again.
I'm wondering how long I can keep this up before I run out of sprouts.
12.17.03 Why no one eats at my house, Sunrise Special:
Broccoli for breakfast.
9.10.02 Speaking of "El Paso"... it's one of the greatest country ballads of all time, with a catchy tune and a plaintive tale of how love conquers even death.
Or is it? Let's examine it more closely.
Scene: a cantina in old El Paso, back in the days when Texas was still a sovereign nation. (Some might argue that it still is.) Boy loves girl. Girl flirts with other man. (Girl apparently doesn't love boy as much as he thinks.) Boy catches 'em in the act. Boy kills interloper. Boy suddenly realizes what he's done and hitails it for New Mexico, where he's safe from prosecution. Enter posse stage right, in hot pursuit. Boy catches bullet. (Next time pick a faster horse.) Boy realises he's a goner. Boy makes U-turn and gallops back to cantina for one last kiss from girl, conveniently passing posse on the way and picking up another bullet. Boy bleeds all over cantina's back step, while girl weeps all over his dead body. (There's a sequel tune where girl subsequently kills herself, too.)
What part of obsession did you not understand??
9.9.02 One cool thing about country music, found in no other genre, is that most songs tell a story -- albeit often about broken bottles, broken hearts, or broken lives. And the story can take place in any American era, from Marty Robbins' "El Paso" to the Dixie Chicks' "Earl Had to Die" (do you sense a theme??) But you gotta get the setting right, or it's just another honkytonk song.
"This song is about New Yawk City?? Get a rope!!"
9.7.02 Why no one eats at my house, Leftover version:
7.21.02 Why no one eats at my house, Summer edition:
6.11.02 Updated commercial:
Two geeks, one on either side of a computer:
Geek#1: My my, your computer makes a lot of noise.
Geek#1: I said, my my, your computer makes a lot of noise!!
Geek#1: I SAID, MY MY, YOUR COMPUTER MAKES A LOT OF NOISE!!!
Geek#2: I can't hear you. My computer makes a lot of noise!
11.21.01 Why no one eats at my house, Thanksgiving edition:
We (me, myself, and I) are having Costco ham and something the recipe book assures me is bread pudding. A day early, because I had to dismember and freeze the leftover quarter ton of ham while it was still reasonably fresh, and I dined on the little pieces that fell into the sink whilst chopping the monster ham into ziplok-bag sized pieces.
11.19.01 The quintessential difference between youth and old age:
Youth: Why the hell should I pay someone else to do that when I can do it myself?
Old age: Why the hell should I do that myself when I can pay someone else to do it?
10.31.01 Heard on the ABC evening news, re the undersupplied Afghan Northern Alliance: "They don't have enough ammunition to shoot their weapons." And soon they won't have any weapons, either!!
10.14.01 Heard on Enterprise (the latest incarnation of Star
Trek, which so far reeks* of recycled
Lost In Trek
Voyager): "It's breaking down [in some guy's bloodstream] into an
undetectable toxin." Um, if it's not detectable, how do you know this??
* But improved markedly once the Romulans arrived.
10.10.01 I've always wanted one of those varnished-wood toilet seats.
So I bought one. For $127,000 (must be a government-issue toilet seat).
But it came with a free house!!
9.15.01 How to mow the lawn:
Amateurs may wimp out and use a regular lawn mower, but where's the challenge in that? If you want to look like a pro, use a string trimmer! And here are some useful tips:
Extend new lengths of string by hand. Otherwise you will run out before you're done, since the autofeed is very wasteful.
Cut the shorter grass areas first. This has several advantages:
Ways to mow the lawn that are inferior to using a string trimmer:
Scissors (ask me how I know this)
Goat (on second thought, since goats pull it up by the roots...)
7.22.01 The telephone system is a wondrous beast...
The Archon complains, Someone with a French accent and old voice just phoned and asked 'RCMP? Do you know the number for the RCMP?'. No 'Hello' or 'How do you do' prefix, just that. When I said 'No', they said 'Goodbye' and hung up. What was that about? (Slightly later....) Now they phoned back. While I don't know if this is the cause of the whole mess, I've just found out something. My phone number is next to 911's in the phone book.
I have to wonder .. If "911" was so easy to find, why wasn't the number for the RCMP just as easy to trip over? And more of a concern to public safety, why is The Archon's phone number next to the number for Emergency?? :)
My first phone number in California had evidently formerly belonged to a BBS; it was a couple years before I stopped getting middle-of-the-night modem calls (ah, the days of 2400 baud!) These were shortly replaced by calls aimed at Baskin-Robbins, made by people whose fingers are in the habit of transposing digits.
My next phone number formerly belonged to two different deadbeats who collectively owe thousands of dollars in bad debts. I guess it's a tribute to the effectiveness of the "collection agencies shall not harrass deadbeats by phone" laws that I don't get any calls meant for said deadbeats.
Addendum 8.28.01 Now I have a new phone number. Gods know who'll be calling me next...
Addendum 12.31.01 ...people calling "Heritage Pharmacy" who invert digits.
6.6.01 Los Angeles Police Department spokesman: "We've learned that it looks bad to have vehicles burning on the city streets." Well, d'oh!!
4.7.01 Pizza is a vegetable.
Okay, so now you want an explanation: Costco has these "take and bake" raw pizzas you take home and bake yourself. Er, bake for yourself. The combo version has pepperoni, Italian sausage, mozarella cheese, Romano cheese, tomato sauce, green peppers, red onions, black olives, mushrooms, and if I'm lucky, I find one with mushrooms, mushrooms, and more mushrooms. See? Clearly I eat pizza for the vegetables. Or at least for the fungi.
Of course, all college students know that pizza is best when eaten for breakfast after it's spent four days drying out on your kitchen counter.
Maybe pizza is really a fungus.
1.8.01 Why no one eats at my house, take three:
10.15.00 Why no one eats at my house, take two:
The good thing about being a bachelor is that if you want to eat cake for dinner, you can.
The bad thing about being a bachelor is that cake may be the only food in the house.
10.13.00 You trust your fellow man. In fact, you trust him with your very life.
Don't think so? You drive on two-lane highways, don't you??
8.5.00 Welcome to Classic Lit 100MHz. Compare and contrast these two translations from the original Geek:
|I am the way into the doleful city,
I am the way into eternal grief,
I am the way to a forsaken race.
Justice it was that moved my great creator:
Before me nothing but eternal things
|I am the way into Computer City.
I am the way into eternal debt.
I am the way to a forsaken race for more CPU cycles.
The Dept. of Justice it was that moved my great creator:
Before me nothing but eternal BSODs
7.14.00 What with our ongoing drought, the Starving Attack Ants are getting desperate. They're even stealing dog shit out of the kennel. Yesterday I found a troop of 'em on the bathroom counter, chewing chunks out of a bar of soap. I guess they felt a need to wash their mouths out.
7.12.00 So why is the sea boiling hot??
7.11.00 My car and my pickup are both old enough to vote.
In fact, they're both old enough to drink in all 50 states.
6.26.00 No one eats at my house.
The other day I had an urge for potatoes. But all I had was instant mashed potatoes.
So I ate them -- just the way they come out of the box.
This is why no one eats at my house.
5.18.00 Why is Country/Western music (which I generally like) obsessed with Texas, and Tennessee, and Louisiana? How come we never hear any songs about North Dakota, or Delaware, or Nevada??
Imagine: "Woooaaa, I miss North Dakota, I can't wait to get home to Minot!"
Or: "It's flood season in
Devil's Lake, I'm
gonna wash my sorrows down..."
.... Er, maybe not.
Thoughts not random enough for you? Try
The Archon's instead.
re-enter The Twilight Asylum
tour Area 34
experience Life During Wartime
listen to The Still, Small Voice of Trumpets
view the Rogues Gallery
visit The Devil's Advocate
go to the Dogs
dare to send me email
updated ... er, can't you read??
All materials and formatting on this site Copyright 2015 Offworld
You may link to these pages, but please do not use our text, code, or graphics without permission