The Devil's Advocate

Dark and Delerious Depths from a Guest of the Netherworld

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05.10.13 from The Devil's Advocate: Last night's Jeopardy made me want to smack a few, but today I was reading an item on a pair of religious kids back from college to find their parents absent but everything still normal. (Lights on, fresh loaf of bread not ten minutes out of the oven, door unlocked, etc.) I can't tell if it's a humor article or not.

Their first theory, the writer asserts, was.... '"M-m-m-m-maybe Mom and Dad were... raptured," Alyssa stuttered.'

They discuss it and appear to sort of buy it even though they're unsure if that's even a tenet of their religion!

Yeah, rapture/antichrist/left behind/tribulation/warrrgarbl. Now, as stupid as all this is, I'm gonna give them a pass. Let's say the Rapture happened. They now have to endure years of Hell on Earth before TurboJesus roars in to do some righteous ass-kicking. What's their first response? '"You know - that banana bread smells awfully good."' World ends, they eat some bread.

The Earth is now only occupied by rapists, murderers, and atheists (redundancy amirite?) and is thus beginning a spiral into nightmare and death.

But yeah, let's stop to have a snack.

It's a good thing zombies are fictional. The apocalypse ignites outside and these guys stop the barricading because of the munchies.

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10.02.05 from The Devil's Advocate: While poking around the site in that last e-mail, I found this on the subject of Japanese/English pen pals:

There was one letter though that really threw everyone for a loop, including the teacher. The American student was talking about his favorite holidays, and he wrote something to the intent of "My favorite holidays are Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, which is the resurrection of Jesus."

I'm sure most if not all of you reading have had some experience studying at least a second language. Now, try to think about how to say "resurrection of Jesus" in your non-native language. ...Kinda hard, isn't it? Now imagine a Japanese schoolboy trying to make sense of this sentence, when just a few weeks ago he was working on "I have many comic books." And THEN factor in that Japan isn't really a Christian society, and there's no reason why they'd even know who Jesus is.

...Yeah.

Even the teacher was baffled by this, so they called me over to help. "Well, resurrection means when someone who's died comes back to life." I explained to the student. He nods in understanding. "Okay," he says, "now, who's this Jesus character?" Again, Christmas in Japan is all about the man in the big red suit. "Well, Jesus was a man..." I start to say. Before I can even finish my sentence, the boy looks up and me and says "Oh! So, Jesus was a zombie then?"

........................................................Yes.

Puts an entirely different spin on the Good Book, don't it? But if Hollywood ever makes a movie out of Jesus the Zombie (No. Please God, no. By the love of Erik Estrada, no.), I demand royalities.

If you get to heaven and it looks like Night of the Living Dead, don't say we didn't warn you.

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07.19.05 from The Devil's Advocate: Poking around the Internet, I found first a site in the vein of "Jesus was gother than thou". Never got around to looking further than the premise, though.

Later, I found a discussion about a "news" article in which someone claimed to -- using logic and math, no less -- find a 97% chance that Jesus rose from the dead. Someone in the discussion said that he remembered a similar article stating that there was a 2/3s (say 67%) chance of God existing. So that leaves 97-67 = 30% odds of Jesus coming back in a world with no God.

Therefore, I believe that there was a 30% chance Jesus was a zombie.

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07.22.05 from The Devil's Advocate: Semirelated: Something I found on Usenet, after someone posted a conspiracy theory rant in the wake of the second London bombing and the discovery of that tunnel some pot growers built under the US/Canadian border:

Poster 1 (sarcastically summarizing the rant):
Americans, run for your lives! The sky is falling! There are reports that Al Qaeda operatives have smuggled suitcase nukes into the United States and are planning to detonate them in many cities at once! We must all be vigiliant. Is the Rapture near?

Poster 2 (in response to Poster 1):
I had understood that the Rapture described a belief by certain Christians that they would suddenly disappear skywards. I had not realised this would be the mechanism, however.

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